Keel’s Top 3

So I have had some serious writer’s block recently when I’ve sat down to finally make new entries into my Rant Page.  So to defeat this epidemic I am just going to quickly list the top 3 things that are currently driving me crazy.
#3 – the GNC (General Nutrition Center) employee.  I can’t even stand this son of a b*tch.  I am not going to brag but I don’t look like today was my first time in the gym, and you have seen me a hundred times since I go to GNC at least 2-3 times a month…therefore, you don’t need to f-ing ask me each time I go in to your store to list out all the things that I am currently ingesting. First off, I don’t like you, second…I know more about vitamins and supplements then your anorexic ass could possibly know.  If you ask me one more time “are you taking a multivitamin” I am going to shove my “GNC Gold Card” so far up your ass you are going to need that colon cleanse on isle 2 to flush it back out.  I am in the damn store each month buying hundreds of dollars worth of stuff…so yes you retard, I am taking the most basic essential supplement you can possibly take – the multivitamin.  It is so annoying that I keep my head down and don’t even acknowledge his questions from the vary second I walk through the doors  (I look like a 15 year old kid hustling to the condom isle with his head down in hopes that no one talks to him…not that this was a regular occurrence for me when I was a teen.)  And here is a word to the wise, quit offering every goddamn customer those terrible free papaya chewable pills…they give me the sh*ts.
#2 – VH1’s Rock of Love Bus.  Ok, it is now the third season of Bret Michaels’s (the lead singer of Poison) sad attempt to find love with plastic surgery rejects, porn stars, and the daughters of the chicks he nailed back in the 80s.  Bret claims that his life is so busy and he is always on the road that by having these psycho chicks live on tour buses like him, it will solve the problem that he had with the chicks that he found in the previous 2 seasons…hmmm that is one theory, but sadly I feel he is missing the obvious problem – that these chicks are beyond crazy.   Bret, quit lying to us and just be honest.  I have no problem with you hooking up with chicks who have had more body work done to them than my first car…but don’t feed us this b*llsh*t line that the bus has anything to do with it.  You are old, you are playing “every rose has it’s thorn” in dive bars, and you are on a cash run…it is plain as that.  It doesn’t matter if these chicks were on a bus or driving around in the giant Oscar Mayer Wiener car (which is probably already the concept for next season)…they want your money (if you still have any), and would sleep with a dead guy if it would give them bigger implants and some airtime.  Bret is clearly “dead behind the eyes“ but still getting more action than John Rambo in a North Vietnamese jungle.  I suggest you boycott this show…but I am sure it will win an Emmy for its true portrayal of money hungry sluts.
And finally…
#1 – VH1’s The Pickup Artist – I honestly yell at the TV over this one.  Again we can thank the genius “think tank” over at VH1 for giving this show’s 2 seasons.  The concept of this show is that nerds who can’t talk or interact with women go to a school to learn from the master pick-up artist, who calls himself Mystery.  This f**king guy dresses like a mix between a pimp Halloween costume and a WWII aviator.  I am not even joking…if I saw this guy in a bar I would laugh my ass off and probably feel bad for him.  He basically tells these nerds that women are a game and that by learning his ridiculous tools of the trade, you may just end up getting a hand-job in the back on your 1993 Ford Escort…for free.  I feel so bad for the nerds because they are genuinely nice guys and if “Mystery” just encouraged them to be themselves they would do great with women.   Instead they have to get tips on women from a guy who has absolutely no game with chicks and gets laughed at as well.  To make matters worse, each episode the geeks get a “medallion” to wear after they are told they weren’t kicked off the show.  Nothing is going to get you less action in a bar then wearing giant useless medallions…actually you will get less actions dressed like Mystery.  This is the worst show on television by far, and if anyone out there can K.O. Mystery we will give you all the KeelandFlo.com merch you could ever want…simply just send us the pic or your police report.
Big picture:  there is a lot going on inside my head but you basically should never watch VH1, and never go to GNC. Buy your lifting supplements at bodybuiding.com – it is cheaper anyway.  And be yourself with chicks… unless you suck as a person.  In that case you should dress up like a drag queen/pimp/aviator with giant colored medallions – at least this way you have an excuse.   That’s it for now…
-Keel

People who wear their bluetooth headsets everywhere

First off I want to apologize to everyone for taking such a long break from my Rant Page.   I assure you that it has not been due to a lack of crap to rant about, it was the recent purchase of my new legit dog “Buster” and the constant attention he is requiring.  I could honestly create several rants about him including the following titles “why do you stare at my when you piss on the carpet,” “what the hell did you eat that makes it smell like that,” and “please go to bed it is 3am and I have to be up in 3 hours…you a**hole.”  He is cool as hell just a puppy.
Ok, apology complete…lets get back to the task at hand…the person that has been tormenting me for well over a year – The Constant Bluetooth headset wearer.
I ranted so hard on this one that I had to shorten it.  Here is the overall point:  outside of actually driving your car there is no f**king reason on God’s green Earth why you should have your Bluetooth headset jammed into your skull.  You are not that important first off to have to take constant calls all day, and most of you just leave them in while you go to the grocery store, or into restaurants.  I even saw one reject with his Bluetooth in while he was attempting to lift weights.   What ever happened to the days of putting you cell phone in your pocket or being like the “Creeper” who always clips his blackberry to his belt like he is a doctor who may need to rush to the E.R.  People, your Bluetooth doesn’t even have a caller ID so odds are you are going to pull your phone out of your pocket to see who it is before you answer anyway now completely defeating the purpose of your dumb ass wearing the thing all day.  That is basically like taking you cell phone and duct taping it to your ear.
I saw one guy in a restaurant on a date with his Bluetooth in the entire time.  I didn’t hear a word he said, but I am pretty sure I can summarize the reason he went home alone.  Guys, nothing is less romantic than having your Bluetooth on during the entire date basically informing the chick that any call you may receive is more important than anything she has to say.  There are probably countless reasons why this dude was single, but at least we have put our finger on one.
I hope we find soon find out that Bluetooth headsets are medically horrible for us so we can go back to the good old days of not being so God damn lazy and actually use some energy to hold our phones to our ears.  As a society we are so lazy already what is next…hands free eating.
Big Picture:  Leave the Bluetooth in the car and use your phone the rest of the time.  Maybe this way you won’t walk around looking like an idiot for talking to yourself…and if you think you are important enough to wear it all day, then your are important enough to get an assistant and make his ass wear it. – until next time – Keel

Monopoly Sucks

Monopoly is the worst game ever.  I know I am going to make some enemies for saying this but I was recently forced to play a game of it, and now being older and more financially sound I have realized how crappy the concept truly is.  As kids we loved it…that is because we had no idea what the hell we were doing.  Think about it for a second…the concept is to drive around all day whether it be on horse back, in a classic car, on a giant thimble, or in a dirty old boot and buy as much sh*t as you can.  You win when you have made all of your friends go bankrupt due to you overcharging them in their rent or sending them to jail.  What the F**k?
I am pretty sure that a real estate agent is the mastermind of the game because no matter how many hotels or houses you build in the ghetto (the purple and little blue properties) you don’t make a damn thing in rent when someone by the good grace of God actually lands on your property.  In the game we pride ourselves on owning BOARDWALK…the only waterfront property on the damn board.  Sadly no one ever lands on your square after you basically forced yourself into bankruptcy trying to do as the game wants and build overpriced houses.
And then there is the Community Chest and Chance cards…were you are given ridiculous sh*t like money for having kids, and get out of jail free cards.  Here is the deal people…your player only makes 200 dollars every time he navigates his ass all the way around the board, and he loses a lot of that cash along the way paying rent for places he didn’t want to visit in the first place.  There is not even an option to do the financially sound thing and save your money.  You are still forced to travel around neighborhoods you can’t afford to live in dragging your big ass iron, or wheel barrow with you.
Monopoly is so sad that by the end of the game people actually prefer sometimes to stay in jail rather than face the harsh realities of the world outside that is waiting for them.  Check this out…I almost died when I heard the latest update.  They are making a new version of Monopoly with ATM cards and not paper money!  Are you f**king kidding me?  At least the crap game helped kids learn to count, now kids are going to be like Mommy and Daddy and use their credit card to buy everything.  That is a horrible idea…Little Billy will love it, but skip ahead 15 years and he will be in college with 4 maxed out credit cards that he can’t pay off.  When all along he was being told to buy everything in sight, don’t save a dime, and if sh*t his the fan and you either end up in jail or poor…file bankruptcy and you get to start over.
Big Picture:  Invest your money wisely, and next time you are in the board game isle at Target…buy Yahtzee instead.

I hate fantasy football

Before we get to my latest creation, Fantasy Fantasy Football (F3), let me give you some background on why I hate Fantasy Football.
Each year as the summer comes to an end and the leaves begin to change color, Fantasy Football geeks put down their Mountain Dew and hang up their World of Warcraft controllers just in time for kickoff.  Now I am a huge football fan, and I even have some favorite players…every fan should.  However, holding mock drafts where you pretend to acquire athletes who you will then “manage” for the entire season is embarrassing.  Simply because you are like “Uncle Rico” and claim you were once 1 hit/shot/touchdown away from playing college ball doesn’t mean you know anything about being an athlete, let alone pretending to manage them.   Odds are the average guy participating in Fantasy Football is overweight, non-athletic, and couldn’t find the gym if he worked there as the night janitor (and oddly he probably does).   Here is my imitation of what fantasy football is like…2 guys watch a game together (while they eat themselves into certain diabetes) and at the end 1 guy looks over at the other and says “I totally kicked your ass”…and they had no control over anything.  The day you physically run onto the field and tackle LaDainian Tomlinson is the day you can actually feel you had an impact.  A fantasy football nerd is probably the same guy who created NFL Head Coach 09 for Xbox 360, where you don’t even control the players… your video game character just stands on the sidelines and watches the pretend game…kill me now!
Honestly I could rant about this forever, but for my own sanity I will move on to my newest creation Fantasy Fantasy Football (F3).
I found a league of 12 guys who love & play fantasy football, and 11 others and me who hate it.   I then compiled a list containing the 12 names of the guys in the fantasy league and had my 11 buddies and I pick one of them solely by name.  We have no idea who they drafted, nor do we care.  We put money into a pot and at the end of the season the person who selected the guy in the Fantasy Football league that won his fantasy league…wins.  It sounds confusing but it is actually pretty simple.  We are playing 3rd party Fantasy Football through a Fantasy Football player…are odds of winning are the same (1 in 12) and we get to save our dignity and time.  I call it Fantasy Fantasy Football (F3).  It is basically like the Kentucky Derby of Fantasy Football.  We pick a “horse” and hope it wins.  Here is my favorite part…we have just as much control over the outcome of a football game as the guy we selected…zero!!!   At the end of the season one of us will win a ton of cash and didn’t have to care who the Bears defense is playing this week …or whatever lame lingo Fantasy Football uses.
Big Picture:  In the amount of time Fantasy Football geeks waste deciding who you they going to “play” each week, they could go out and meet a girl and not die a virgin.  –Keel

Characters you see in every gym

I have been thinking about this for a very long time now and have to share this with the world.  Gyms may be in different states – even countries, have completely different clients, and yet there are always the same characters.
They are defined by me in no specific order
The sleeve monster – he runs rampid throught any male sporting event…he is a lot like the sasquatch “Big Foot” but has never been seen and steals the sleeves off of men that should clearly not be wearing a sleeveless shirt.
The Unnecessary Screamer – This reject is the guy who loads the bar with childs amount of weight and clearly knows this is not impressive so he scars the minds of those around him by screaming or loudly grunting at the top of his lungs during each sad repetition.  He clearly needs the attention and ruins the concentration of everyone around him…be on the lookout for this reject and stay away.
Mr “I have no form but I will continue to add weight to the bar and not be able to successfully complete even one rep” – description is self explanatory – aka “Bad form guy”
Maddog Jenkins – This is the creep that constantly stares at other men with looks of hate and disgust.  He has no reason to be doing this, and in no way is intimidating them with his scrony size and sad muscle development but sticks to his guns…he is usually a high school sophomore weighing no more than 135lbs.
Lester the Leaner - this is the guy who walks up to any remotely attractive female and leans on her machine to strike up a conversation…he can also lean on any other random vacant piece of workout equipment but the concept is that you are going to want to blow your brains out waiting for him to move so you can get your workout in.
Mr “I brought my entire 5lb tub of Whey protein with me to the gym” – this retard is trying to impress people by sadly bringing a completely unnecessary amount of whey protein into the gym.  What he fails to realize is that we all take it and keep it where it belongs…at home.  This usually means that he just got his sadly sack of bones on protein and feels it necessary to bring in his entire stock of the powder to the gym as some sort of new membership card to the cool club of lifters…sadly he has no idea that we laugh at him and his sad existance.
Old naked sauna guy – This is the prehistoric being that feels it a good workout to come to the gym, refuse to use a towel, and sit in the sauna for 3-4 hours.  This dinosaur is unafraid to strike up random conversations as he is spread eagle with his balls hanging to the floor.  He can also be seen reading any sauna soaked newspaper and is a good source of auto maintenance advice.  He is Mr. Miyagi – ish but completely naked
Mr over-packed gym bag guy –  Keep this pack rat in mind if you ever need a knee brace, wrist wrap, weight belt, old marathon t-shirt, towel, 5 different water bottles, bag gloves, jump rope, power bands, a full size sit up ball, and any other random products you could find in the rehab isle at Wallgreens…because he carries it with him to the gym each day in his oversized bag.
I know Arnold guy – This liar is the random guy at every gym that claims he once was a workout partner of Arnold, or at least knew him on a personal level.  Simply because the man is the greatest bodybuilder of all time, doesn’t mean you had anything to do with his success, and your flabby physique is clearly proof of that.  If for some grace of God you were actually in a gym while Arnold was getting a pump, doesn’t mean you worked out with him!
Gallon of Water Guy - This one really pisses me off, and I know all of you have seen this reject.  He is the character in our lives that carries around a gallon water jug with never more than 8 ounces of water actually residing inside the jug – around the gym.  I never understood why it is more manly to carry around an unnecessarily large water receptical like the gallon jug.  If the size of your water container makes you more of a man, then what is next?  Are we going to see some retard in the gym carrying around an office size 5 gallon jug of Culligan’s strickly to prove he is more of a man than me…when he should be spending more time trying to figure out why he can’t get the 95lbs off his chest when he benches?  God forbid we have to stand behind this moron when he attempts to waste my afternoon as he refills his entire gallon jug from the only water fountain in the entire gym…I would rather slam my head in a door!
Big picture:  Having to compete for equipment in a gym with these idiots is still better than having small biceps.  - Keel

Anaconda 3

(Quickly, let me assure anyone who read my myspace blog “Roadhouse 2″ I will not be beating a dead horse.  Although the concept is the same, when I saw that this disaster was made I couldn’t wait to rant about it.)  Recently my brother called to tell me about a jem of a film the Sci-Fi channel had shown.  (Why my brother was watching the late-night shows on the Sci-Fi network is besides the point)  The movie was called “Anaconda 3″ starring none other than David Hasselhoff…aka “The Hoff”  This is the kind of crap that makes me lose faith in cinema.  Who in their right mind would think that anyone gives a sh*t about the 3rd installment of a movie that no one gave a sh*t about to begin with.  Anaconda 1 was horrible, I didn’t even know they made an Anaconda 2, and I am outraged at the concept of the third.  I just wish I could have been in the meeting when they were pitching this idea to the film company.  ”Sir, we have to quickly capitalize on the non-existent fan base of the original two films to complete this trilogy…we have spoken to David Hasselhoff and he said he can find some free time between being a judge on “America’s got talent” (which is f**king worthy of its own rant to begin with) and eating cheeseburgers on his carpet drunk while his daughter films it.”  When I researched the film on IMDB.com I saw that the plot reads as follows: “A mercenary-for-hire accepts a mission from a billionaire to capture a dangerous snake that could possibly help cure a terminal illness.”  Are you F-ing kidding me?  This sounds like the worst idea since Paris Hilton started wearing underwear.  I just can’t imagine that the director ever thought the movie would succeed.  I wonder if these crap/washed up actors know that they are filming cinematic garbage and are strictly there on a cash run…because at least that way they are upfront about it.  So here is the worst part of all…on IMDB.com they report that this disaster was shot back to back with “Anaconda 4 – Trail of Blood.”  I feel like I am taking crazy pills…another one!!!  If Ice Cube was in #1 and the Hoff was in #3, who is going to star in #4?  I hear Mr. Belvedere is free…he hasn’t worked since 1985…wait I am pretty sure he is dead…hell it doesn’t even matter.
Big picture:  Unsubscribe to the Sci-Fi Channel!      - Keel-

CPR training isn’t for everyone

Let me start by saying that I respect (almost) anyone that wants to get trained on how to potentially save lives.  Now that I have gotten that disclaimer out of the way, let me tell you about a miserable experience I recently had at my annual CPR training class.  First off, I am not going to recommend the American Red Cross building in downtown Tacoma, WA. The neighborhood around the building is so shady I was certain I was saying goodbye forever to my truck as I left it in the parking lot.  When I entered the classroom I immediately felt like I was in the wrong room, and that I had just entered the weekly meeting for Narcotics Anonymous.  There were about 12 people in the room and they all looked like they were either on meth at the time, or knew where to score some.  I sat quietly at the end of the table and begged the Lord to make this class go quick.  Sadly the reject sitting next to me (for the visual of him think of a fat guy wearing a t-shirt and a leather vest…yes I know it is amazing attire) never stopped talking to me and to his crack addict wife who I am certain was drinking a bloody mary out of a nalgene bottle.  At the beginning of class he quickly admitted to the class (For no reason whatsoever) that he has had some brain damage due to a severe stroke…amazing! (But this actually explains a lot)  During the portion where we talk about the defibrillator applying (here comes the key word…) shock treatment, he couldn’t understand why it would be a bad idea to use this while he or the victim was in standing water.  I leaned over and told him it would be like putting a toaster in the bathtub with him…he was confused, but hopefully he tries it at home.  This idiot also wondered if it was required to shave the person’s chest before applying the defibrillator shock pads during the critical time that the victim’s heart has stopped.  I wanted to be like, “yes, I need you carry around shaving creme and a razor everywhere you go in hopes that if the one-in-a- million chance your dumb ass is actually the first person on scene, you can shave the victims chest while they are dying as you trying to figure out the tricking “pop top” on the shaving creme bottle.  These were bad, but my favorite was his comment during the demonstration portion of the CPR exam.  He told the instructor that doing the 30 chest compressions made him tired (mind you the victim is dying at this point) and he was wondering if he could give the victim “one big one” in lieu of 30.  I honestly wanted to pay the American Red Cross his enrollment fee so that they didn’t lose any money, but I wanted them to deny him certification for passing the class.  This sh*thead said he is a school bus driver in the Fife, WA school district and thought it would be a good idea to know how to save a childs life.  In theory he is correct, but when you factor in that he is an idiot, clearly on drugs of some kind, and won’t remember any of it anyway if he needed to actually use it…the last thing I want is him going around thinking that he is a qualified life saver.  Sadly we are going to read about this guy shocking someone to death in “standing water”, or giving them “one big one” (whatever the hell that is), but at least they will have their chest shaved.
Big picture:  If you are a parent in the Fife school district I suggest you drive your kid to school or make them walk in the rain…trust me it is safer than the bus.

Haters

(This only applies to a few people…to the Fans we love you!) This topic seemed appropriate due to the first ever lifetime ban ever handed out.  Here is the deal people, clearly if you don’t understand KeelandFlo.com then the point is lost on you.  We are not here to make money and are clearly not here for the fame so quit acting like morons.  We are two dudes that love to have a good time and are trying to do some good (breastmilkproject.org) at the same time.  The fact that you are busting our balls each day by saying that our website “never gets updated” or “is boring” is a win in my book because you are checking it out so much that you are actually aware I update this when I finally sit down from all the busy PR work I do.  Now most of you love the site, recommend it to others, rock the “merch”, and love what we are doing so for you guys we have nothing but love.  However, it is always some confused “hater” who would never in a million years have the balls or the humor to start up a site like KeelandFlo.com.  

    Big picture…we are so random…always have a great time…and are going to keep rocking until the wheels fall off!  To the fans you are the best! – Keel

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