Characters you see in every gym

I have been thinking about this for a very long time now and have to share this with the world.  Gyms may be in different states – even countries, have completely different clients, and yet there are always the same characters.
They are defined by me in no specific order
The sleeve monster – he runs rampid throught any male sporting event…he is a lot like the sasquatch “Big Foot” but has never been seen and steals the sleeves off of men that should clearly not be wearing a sleeveless shirt.
The Unnecessary Screamer – This reject is the guy who loads the bar with childs amount of weight and clearly knows this is not impressive so he scars the minds of those around him by screaming or loudly grunting at the top of his lungs during each sad repetition.  He clearly needs the attention and ruins the concentration of everyone around him…be on the lookout for this reject and stay away.
Mr “I have no form but I will continue to add weight to the bar and not be able to successfully complete even one rep” – description is self explanatory – aka “Bad form guy”
Maddog Jenkins – This is the creep that constantly stares at other men with looks of hate and disgust.  He has no reason to be doing this, and in no way is intimidating them with his scrony size and sad muscle development but sticks to his guns…he is usually a high school sophomore weighing no more than 135lbs.
Lester the Leaner - this is the guy who walks up to any remotely attractive female and leans on her machine to strike up a conversation…he can also lean on any other random vacant piece of workout equipment but the concept is that you are going to want to blow your brains out waiting for him to move so you can get your workout in.
Mr “I brought my entire 5lb tub of Whey protein with me to the gym” – this retard is trying to impress people by sadly bringing a completely unnecessary amount of whey protein into the gym.  What he fails to realize is that we all take it and keep it where it belongs…at home.  This usually means that he just got his sadly sack of bones on protein and feels it necessary to bring in his entire stock of the powder to the gym as some sort of new membership card to the cool club of lifters…sadly he has no idea that we laugh at him and his sad existance.
Old naked sauna guy – This is the prehistoric being that feels it a good workout to come to the gym, refuse to use a towel, and sit in the sauna for 3-4 hours.  This dinosaur is unafraid to strike up random conversations as he is spread eagle with his balls hanging to the floor.  He can also be seen reading any sauna soaked newspaper and is a good source of auto maintenance advice.  He is Mr. Miyagi – ish but completely naked
Mr over-packed gym bag guy –  Keep this pack rat in mind if you ever need a knee brace, wrist wrap, weight belt, old marathon t-shirt, towel, 5 different water bottles, bag gloves, jump rope, power bands, a full size sit up ball, and any other random products you could find in the rehab isle at Wallgreens…because he carries it with him to the gym each day in his oversized bag.
I know Arnold guy – This liar is the random guy at every gym that claims he once was a workout partner of Arnold, or at least knew him on a personal level.  Simply because the man is the greatest bodybuilder of all time, doesn’t mean you had anything to do with his success, and your flabby physique is clearly proof of that.  If for some grace of God you were actually in a gym while Arnold was getting a pump, doesn’t mean you worked out with him!
Gallon of Water Guy - This one really pisses me off, and I know all of you have seen this reject.  He is the character in our lives that carries around a gallon water jug with never more than 8 ounces of water actually residing inside the jug – around the gym.  I never understood why it is more manly to carry around an unnecessarily large water receptical like the gallon jug.  If the size of your water container makes you more of a man, then what is next?  Are we going to see some retard in the gym carrying around an office size 5 gallon jug of Culligan’s strickly to prove he is more of a man than me…when he should be spending more time trying to figure out why he can’t get the 95lbs off his chest when he benches?  God forbid we have to stand behind this moron when he attempts to waste my afternoon as he refills his entire gallon jug from the only water fountain in the entire gym…I would rather slam my head in a door!
Big picture:  Having to compete for equipment in a gym with these idiots is still better than having small biceps.  - Keel


  1. Don’t forget “Did that guy just run a marathon?” guy. We all sweat at the gym, but “DTGJRAMG” is so sweaty that you hesitate to use any piece of equipment he was previously on.

  2. Jay Brisson says:

    Few adds:

    invent new ways to use machine guy.

    This guy clearly did not look at the picture on the side of every machine to figure out how to install himself onto it. He’s the guy that gets in the ab crunch machine backwards and does something that resembles a back extension. Or he does wide grip pulldowns using his feet. Or uses neck machine as some strange new way to close grip bench press.

    Don’t forget those ladies either.

    “the shouldn’t be wearing that” chick

    We all know this beast. She’s the new years resolution lady only present Jan 1 thru early march. She wants to workout but pulls out all the sh*t that fit her when she was 150 lbs lighter and proceeds to work out in it. She’ll undoubtedly be wearing some combo of stretch pants and sports bra and working herself into a sweaty lather on the elliptical. That machine just happens to be directly in front of the only open treadmill so you’re forced to watch her jiggle for at least 30-40 minutes until u either barf or quit.

    “the stiff legged dead lift” ho

    This is the chick that has been working out awhile and has reaped the benefits of said workouts. But to finish her routine she does a half hour of stiff legged deads in front of the mirror that is directly in front of the cardio machines or where you’re working out. She immediately causes any guy over 45 to have a erection induced heart attack. Shell also be wearing stretch pants or short shorts like the girl above but with a very different effect.

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