CPR training isn’t for everyone

Let me start by saying that I respect (almost) anyone that wants to get trained on how to potentially save lives.  Now that I have gotten that disclaimer out of the way, let me tell you about a miserable experience I recently had at my annual CPR training class.  First off, I am not going to recommend the American Red Cross building in downtown Tacoma, WA. The neighborhood around the building is so shady I was certain I was saying goodbye forever to my truck as I left it in the parking lot.  When I entered the classroom I immediately felt like I was in the wrong room, and that I had just entered the weekly meeting for Narcotics Anonymous.  There were about 12 people in the room and they all looked like they were either on meth at the time, or knew where to score some.  I sat quietly at the end of the table and begged the Lord to make this class go quick.  Sadly the reject sitting next to me (for the visual of him think of a fat guy wearing a t-shirt and a leather vest…yes I know it is amazing attire) never stopped talking to me and to his crack addict wife who I am certain was drinking a bloody mary out of a nalgene bottle.  At the beginning of class he quickly admitted to the class (For no reason whatsoever) that he has had some brain damage due to a severe stroke…amazing! (But this actually explains a lot)  During the portion where we talk about the defibrillator applying (here comes the key word…) shock treatment, he couldn’t understand why it would be a bad idea to use this while he or the victim was in standing water.  I leaned over and told him it would be like putting a toaster in the bathtub with him…he was confused, but hopefully he tries it at home.  This idiot also wondered if it was required to shave the person’s chest before applying the defibrillator shock pads during the critical time that the victim’s heart has stopped.  I wanted to be like, “yes, I need you carry around shaving creme and a razor everywhere you go in hopes that if the one-in-a- million chance your dumb ass is actually the first person on scene, you can shave the victims chest while they are dying as you trying to figure out the tricking “pop top” on the shaving creme bottle.  These were bad, but my favorite was his comment during the demonstration portion of the CPR exam.  He told the instructor that doing the 30 chest compressions made him tired (mind you the victim is dying at this point) and he was wondering if he could give the victim “one big one” in lieu of 30.  I honestly wanted to pay the American Red Cross his enrollment fee so that they didn’t lose any money, but I wanted them to deny him certification for passing the class.  This sh*thead said he is a school bus driver in the Fife, WA school district and thought it would be a good idea to know how to save a childs life.  In theory he is correct, but when you factor in that he is an idiot, clearly on drugs of some kind, and won’t remember any of it anyway if he needed to actually use it…the last thing I want is him going around thinking that he is a qualified life saver.  Sadly we are going to read about this guy shocking someone to death in “standing water”, or giving them “one big one” (whatever the hell that is), but at least they will have their chest shaved.
Big picture:  If you are a parent in the Fife school district I suggest you drive your kid to school or make them walk in the rain…trust me it is safer than the bus.

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