Keel’s Top 3

So I have had some serious writer’s block recently when I’ve sat down to finally make new entries into my Rant Page.  So to defeat this epidemic I am just going to quickly list the top 3 things that are currently driving me crazy.
#3 – the GNC (General Nutrition Center) employee.  I can’t even stand this son of a b*tch.  I am not going to brag but I don’t look like today was my first time in the gym, and you have seen me a hundred times since I go to GNC at least 2-3 times a month…therefore, you don’t need to f-ing ask me each time I go in to your store to list out all the things that I am currently ingesting. First off, I don’t like you, second…I know more about vitamins and supplements then your anorexic ass could possibly know.  If you ask me one more time “are you taking a multivitamin” I am going to shove my “GNC Gold Card” so far up your ass you are going to need that colon cleanse on isle 2 to flush it back out.  I am in the damn store each month buying hundreds of dollars worth of stuff…so yes you retard, I am taking the most basic essential supplement you can possibly take – the multivitamin.  It is so annoying that I keep my head down and don’t even acknowledge his questions from the vary second I walk through the doors  (I look like a 15 year old kid hustling to the condom isle with his head down in hopes that no one talks to him…not that this was a regular occurrence for me when I was a teen.)  And here is a word to the wise, quit offering every goddamn customer those terrible free papaya chewable pills…they give me the sh*ts.
#2 – VH1’s Rock of Love Bus.  Ok, it is now the third season of Bret Michaels’s (the lead singer of Poison) sad attempt to find love with plastic surgery rejects, porn stars, and the daughters of the chicks he nailed back in the 80s.  Bret claims that his life is so busy and he is always on the road that by having these psycho chicks live on tour buses like him, it will solve the problem that he had with the chicks that he found in the previous 2 seasons…hmmm that is one theory, but sadly I feel he is missing the obvious problem – that these chicks are beyond crazy.   Bret, quit lying to us and just be honest.  I have no problem with you hooking up with chicks who have had more body work done to them than my first car…but don’t feed us this b*llsh*t line that the bus has anything to do with it.  You are old, you are playing “every rose has it’s thorn” in dive bars, and you are on a cash run…it is plain as that.  It doesn’t matter if these chicks were on a bus or driving around in the giant Oscar Mayer Wiener car (which is probably already the concept for next season)…they want your money (if you still have any), and would sleep with a dead guy if it would give them bigger implants and some airtime.  Bret is clearly “dead behind the eyes“ but still getting more action than John Rambo in a North Vietnamese jungle.  I suggest you boycott this show…but I am sure it will win an Emmy for its true portrayal of money hungry sluts.
And finally…
#1 – VH1’s The Pickup Artist – I honestly yell at the TV over this one.  Again we can thank the genius “think tank” over at VH1 for giving this show’s 2 seasons.  The concept of this show is that nerds who can’t talk or interact with women go to a school to learn from the master pick-up artist, who calls himself Mystery.  This f**king guy dresses like a mix between a pimp Halloween costume and a WWII aviator.  I am not even joking…if I saw this guy in a bar I would laugh my ass off and probably feel bad for him.  He basically tells these nerds that women are a game and that by learning his ridiculous tools of the trade, you may just end up getting a hand-job in the back on your 1993 Ford Escort…for free.  I feel so bad for the nerds because they are genuinely nice guys and if “Mystery” just encouraged them to be themselves they would do great with women.   Instead they have to get tips on women from a guy who has absolutely no game with chicks and gets laughed at as well.  To make matters worse, each episode the geeks get a “medallion” to wear after they are told they weren’t kicked off the show.  Nothing is going to get you less action in a bar then wearing giant useless medallions…actually you will get less actions dressed like Mystery.  This is the worst show on television by far, and if anyone out there can K.O. Mystery we will give you all the KeelandFlo.com merch you could ever want…simply just send us the pic or your police report.
Big picture:  there is a lot going on inside my head but you basically should never watch VH1, and never go to GNC. Buy your lifting supplements at bodybuiding.com – it is cheaper anyway.  And be yourself with chicks… unless you suck as a person.  In that case you should dress up like a drag queen/pimp/aviator with giant colored medallions – at least this way you have an excuse.   That’s it for now…
-Keel

Comments

  1. You should add “Douchebaggery” to your list. I saw this video and was amazed at the sheer number of douchebags per second on this. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did….

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYYKOa2KNBY&feature=player_embedded

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